Bring The Light Back On...

As I sit on the train that will bring me to my hometown, with heavy cloud in my eyes, feeling some parts are cracked open in my heart...

I can't help but let my mind wonder,  to the last time I visit Solo. I was home, for a happy wedding celebration of my cousin. Same destination I go tonight, yet totally different taste of atmosphere I breath in...

Ever since both my mom and dad passed away, and I thought there would be no more place to call home, this family always assure me, that their house is always Home for me...

Now, He passed away too...

The last best memory I got in mind about him,  is when I was congratulating him for his master degree, after he turns 65. I told him, "Uncle, I will definitely get my master degree too, thank you for inspiring me..."

Then I did, started my study the very next term...

Another living example of being a life long learner, performing a lifetime education example in our family legacy, has gone away, how I miss them all...

With these tears washing my soul, I renew my pledge to give all I have in my life, continuing everything that You've been doing on this line of duty. Educating The Nation..

May Your souls are resting in peace, now... Grannies, Mom, Dad,  Uncles, and Aunties, that had been shaping my soul with all of yours...

With all my heart I pray, many more will raise, to walk on this long and winding road journey, following your path...

So help us God...

"Who wants to live forever?

Who dares to love forever?

Oh, when love must die?But touch my tears with your lipsTouch my world with your fingertipsAnd we can have forever

And we can love foreverForever is our today..."

#WakeUpCall
#BringTheLightBackOn
#LifeLongEducation

If Only Those Words are Mine...

We'll put out to sea and we'll perfect our chemistry... And by we'll defy a little bit of gravity.. Afternoon delight, cocktails and moonlit nights... That dreamy look in your eye, give me a tropical contact high... Way down in Kokomo... 

~ Beach Boys

How I miss the way I feel when that music plays in my ears, creating the sensation of delight inside my head, and sparkling down to my heart.. 

But that was weeks before yesterday... Today should be another day off to balance the me inside... 

It has been quite a while since life stabbed me this deep, and got me so restless. Yet the universe never changed  at all, for each situation that claim my tears,  I still got more situation that would bring my smile back, in not much time...

Like this week when I have to deal with the unbearable sting of pain,  every time I saw your name on my screen, I ask the sky a questions like: 

- why I got shut out.. 

- why everyone else still got the attention but I got pushed away...

- was it so wrong to do what I did for the reason I had...

- why I should feel this empty space haunted inside of me over again... 

- etc

All those short of cheap questions has successfully made me lost balance, and felt so weak and fragile inside... 

But I'm very grateful, for people who stand by my side,  guarding my heart with the light they share. They provide me comfort and the healing mantram that could sooth the pain away from the darkest corner of my soul, that's been ruining my heart these days...

Now I feel a bit better... 

Still got some energy recharging and synchronizing phase, to cope with the new me, after the flame of rage burn me into ashes. And I will do all the Phoenix would always do, ReBorn and make things better... 

This days I heard some words coming from the songs you play from far away land. They are great words, and pumping spirits too. The words that will make me feel so good, if only those are mine... 

But I am surviving, just like how I've always been, and will do so, over and over again till my last breath.... 

Heaven helps... 

"I supposed that you'll be leaving... But I want you to know... Part of you stays with me even after you're gone.. Like an actor playing someone else's scene... This could not be happening to me... 

But you were there... And you were everything I'd never seen... You woke me up from this long and empty sleep... I was alone, I opened my eyes and you were there..."

~Southern Sons

#FixingaBrokenHeart

The Perfectly Imperfect Me....

If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one
Drying in the color of the evening sun
Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay
Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetime's argument
That nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could
For all those born beneath an angry star
Let we forget how fragile we are
On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star
Like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are
How fragile we are

~Sting – Fragile

After all these years, surprisingly I should face more of this phase. And my head told me to play this song over and over again, like I did six years back. Looks like I need  to find another pieces of my own fragility puzzle once more.  

Well yes,  I must admit this is an unavoidable part of  being Me, for I am just human with all of the consequences of being in ups and downs crisis of life. Including facing the wound,  I thought I have cured.  Yet, it is still there wide open,  for I have just broke my heart again. Tonight, it is bleeding badly as the heart brutally torn apart.

Why...?

Same question I ask the sky,  couple of weeks ago.  When I have to face another foolish beat of my heart, by being in Love.  

Yes, LOVE has always been my strength, yet the journey to embrace LOVE was also revealing my weakness, exposed me to the pitch black part of my soul... 

As I have to face the broken me, and asked why after all those years knowing, no one could hurt me without my permission, I could be beaten like this...

Yeah, I know fragility will allow me to see my truest strength, through measuring my own weakness. As the only way to reach the light, through embracing the deepest darkest spot in my soul.  I have learned that I am not unbreakable, but everything should happen for a reason.  And it is always about me and me alone, I may not blame anyone for my broken heart, including me...

Now, I need to build things up again in better order,  after  the wound show me which part is still broken, scattered and torn apart. So here I am, licking all my wound and telling myself all the tears will be worthy to wash my soul, while Sting is singing in my ears...

The way Sting talk about how fragile we are, still gives me the understanding of a growth hidden in all the fragile phases we face in life.  His words explain how the life must go on at all cost, in a very profound perspective. Those words and the melody is echoing in my heart the way it was before,  telling me to respect every pain and embrace all the rage I faced, so then I could wash them once again with tears from the star.

The music dare the broken part of my being to turn the empty space into a solitude sanctuary for me to heal. As I struggle to convert the bitter taste of this pain, into medicine that will finally cure me. So I will not have this hollow space as an extra baggage inside of me, ever again...

   

Now  I began to dare my own rage to embrace forgiveness,  as I accept the one in me who still feels the pain deeply. No worries little one, you are safe...  I LOVE YOU as YOU ARE...

Indeed, it is a true blessing to have what a friend of mine called an instant burst of comfort from the universe, after days feeling so fragile, yawing in this roller coaster mode.  As I have always believed, if we do something in the name of LOVE and  kindness for any part of the planet.  The universe will smile at us and return that favor in the most surprising way.  Including by letting this music kicks in.

I wish what I have been writing can always vibe something good for the universe, so my life can always be worth living till the day I shall take my last breath... 

Thank YOU for showing up in my heart once.  Though missing you is tough, I know something good will eventually show up from this Journey. You know what was there - still is, probably for good, but now it is there for me to learn how to perfectly embrace the imperfect ME. 

#LovenLight
#Fragile

Close to You...

I have firecracker in my heart that cause it skipping a beat, every time this eye's catching a glimpse of your name on my screen. I have butterflies effect in my tummy that cause it leaping into a non gravity loop, every time you're jumping in my thoughts...

And I'm loosing one grip of my logic, every time life bring me one step closer to you. Now I'm dancing through the space and time, anticipating what might happen next. Heaven helps...

#EarthEnergyConstellation

Two Towers...

It wasn't a bright sunny day at the time you arrived to pick me up. The sky was cloudy,  and the sun refused to shine, yet our journey began as you planned... 

After all the ups and downs, and some moments of going around in circles, we found the right place on the highest ground. The very space where the grass still green, covered by thick bush, with bunch of trees as the back ground. I spread my broken white pashmina on the ground, and started to set up the crystals we brought in a grid, with a hope the sun will finally show up and share the abundance of energy to us... 

We were lucky, by the time our grid done, the sunbeam finally came out... 

As we exchange words in each stories we share, our vibration rise up and broadcast the sacred vortex of energy that was endlessly spiraling out, generated by our meditative dancing union. Until the drips of very light rain suddenly waking us up from our trance session, showing us the sun has slightly moved down, means we have used up all the time we got there... 

Stories will always be shared continuously, as the time passes by... 

I just knew that, even though that was the end of my trip, our journey will never come to an end. For the destination of every trip we share will always be the journey itself. Thank you for walking with me all these way, I'm very blessed to share this journey with you... 

Heaven Helps... 

#EarthEnergyConstellation
#TwoTowers

The Pitch Black, Yet Pink ME...

"​And even though I know how very far apart we are, It helps to think we might be wishin' on the same bright star... And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby... It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky..."

Since the night after last valentine, this song is echoing in my head over and over again, plays in tune with the melody of my soul, creates a totally new rhythm within my heart, makes my mind refuse to let go the thought of you from my head...

This isn't anything new for me, I have been here and done this before, yet the question stays the same, as I look up to the sky and shoot the very same words above:
"Dear Heaven, now what...?"

It is like, I wasn't bled enough, as my heart brutally broken along the way to embrace everything I need to understand about LOVE. But this journey still needs me to carry on. As if the lesson wasn't learned enough along the way. Why...?

Yes, LOVE has always been my strength. Hence, the journey to embrace LOVE was also revealing my weakness.  As LOVE showered me with all its bliss and blessing in disguised, yet it also got me so cursed. Since this journey exposed me to the pitch black part of my soul... 

I thought my lesson in the quest to find True LOVE, has brought the light back on to the deepest darkest corner of my being. So I completely understand which part of my being needed to grow. Yet this LOVE for you still came and touched the LIFE inside of Me... 

Not that I am complaining, truly I like it. Since being in LOVE always makes me feel so ALIVE.  For the energy generated as I am fallen in LOVE, manifests like the dynamic yin and yang vortex. Gives my heart the sparkle of firecracker works, every time it skip a beat, as the thought of You comes to my senses. Just the way you send butterfly to my tummy only by throwing a silly jokes over the net...

Mostly the energy flies me too high into the multi dimensions realm over my soul, as my heart and spirit collide gives me the exact coordinate and clear direction, on how to intercept your soul... 

Sometime it's just lingering in the crossing channel between my heart and mind, gives me emotional turmoil that urged me to pick my phone and call you, just to fill the void, and quench the thirst of missing you... 

Other time it is even dropped so low beyond the twilight zone, sensing you were there on your own. Most probably lonely, but locked your soul in indifferent stage of being, where you find blanket of comfort zone, being on your own. The thoughts send me a wonder, how it really feels to touch your flesh and blood in reality. Sometimes I wish, you could at least give me a space to flow that feeling. But then I could only blow you good night kisses and send  virtual hugs, with a hope the big sky would kindly refrain them your way...

But above all, these thoughts and feelings, generate a high level of creativity while I am around you. Manifest in all the flowing texts I wrote, the words I hardly believe were 100 percent mine.  Because I believe You have pull them out with all the crazy thoughts we share, that some how energizing the think tank inside my head, even when you are not around...

This is definitely a brand new journey, even after all the ups and downs that I have been through along this kind of journey.  This time, It feels like I am standing in the middle of a multi-dimensional portal. Waiting for the most random leap, ignited by the energy we accidentally share. Each time our souls intercept, in the dynamic Yin and Yang realm, where our interconnection taken a place...

I really do hope, I have better Idea on where this journey may lead. As You said, I deserve the authority to be in control. How should I do that, You don't even have the need of me being around. The Pitch Black yet Pink ME, that plastering around you, like a storm thundering your comfortable sanctuary... 

What could I say,

I just wanna be with You...

#LovenLight

#GetaLIFE

#BeALIVE

#2TheInfinityandBeyond

"A whole new world, A dazzling place I never knewBut when I'm way up here It's crystal clearThat now I'm in A whole new world With you..."~ Aladdin OST

"Love is the energy that brighten the life and make those who share it feel alive. The same energy that pinned Earth, Venus, Mars and the entire Solar system to orbit The Sun. The very same energy that stick the whole Milky-way together, so none of the member move out to Andromeda even if they have to cross each other path in galactic collision during their cosmic journey..."

~ArifaH-2014

Existence Track...

Those who haven't seen their own existence track, might easily tell us how wrong we are in living the life, and blame us on every wrong turn we made, just because they didn't agree with the road we saw, while they actually couldn't make up their mind on where they were going...

We can't ask people to stay on our way, sometimes we need to let them go by themselves. Especially when they think we distract them from their uncertain path, only because we already know where we are going...

I just know some truths...

People mostly don't know how to appreciate what they really got, until they lost them...

Not all that glitter are gold, even diamonds only shine if we see them in the presence of light. The darkness probably makes us blind for a while, but truest heart can see in the dark...

So Dear...

Bring the light back on first, before you decide anything that might give you regret.
It may be looked scattered now, but sometime we can build better after all torn apart...

That's how we saw what was missing,
so then we could put things together
in the right order...

And I believe...

Sometime we need to experience breakdown,
so we can create a breakthrough...

I can't walk this road for you, but I definitely can walk it with you,
through anything the life might provide...

Shall We...??

#itjustlifeanyway
#lettinggo
#towardsbettertomorrow
#imnotafraidofdarkness
#Godneverfallsasleep
#2theinfinitynbeyond
#lightyearwords